My take on Breast Feeding

Breastfeeding -

I have never put so much thought into this until I was well into pregnancy. My familiarity with this subject starts and ends with movies where this process was shown as an endearing one.

During my third trimester, just-turned-mom friends poured their insight on this, shared their mostly scary, not so pleasant experiences with me. This is when I learned about the not so endearing side of this process.

I have always been a health freak and I like to keep my eating habits as close to nature as possible. So, needless to say that all I cared about breastfeeding was - I need to exclusively breastfeed my little one.

That is it - this is what i firmly decided but I hadn't exactly researched this topic. I was obsessed with giving a natural childbirth because it is how nature designed us to give birth to babies. That is simple enough reason for me to be decisive about having no intrusions during the birthing process. I have done a lot of research - read a lot of material, success stories, and complex stories, talked to professionals, observed closely the practices of efficient midwives. During this process, the next thing that caught my attention was how important and natural it is to breastfeed your baby rather than bottle-feed or giving formula to the new born.

So, my first goal was to experience natural childbirth and my next goal was to breastfeed my newborn. Though I was not well prepared and heard unpleasant stories of breastfeeding from friends, , since I was determined about it, I thought I would be able to do it.

As soon as i was out of operation room (Well, i could not meet my first goal, i did not even come close to it as i had emergency c-section), the first thing i asked the nurse was i wanted to feed my baby because all the material i read insisted that doing this will be a good foundation for the breastfeeding process both for me and my little one.

I was thrilled when my darling daughter latched onto my breast as soon as she was placed on me. My happiness knew no bounds and this was as a result of my logical brain telling me that my second goal would certainly be met.

When the nurse asked me after transferring me to the resting room, what my goal was - i said "establish breastfeeding". She said "how about being able to manage your pain?". I said "yea, may be, but that is secondary".

Then started the real journey for me.

I was told in the breastfeeding class that we need to nurse every 2-3 hours. The time-lines didn't register with me. But while lying on the hospital bed in lot of pain, the real sense of the time-lines hit me.

Every 2 hours came by in less than 2 hours. Well, you know what i mean. The reason being:

1. You are in lot of pain, so trying to sit up to feed the baby hurts

2. Your boobs start to hurt and they hurt even more when you try to see if there is any milk coming.

3. It hurts more to see that hardly anything comes out and may be a drop of colostrum (I almost thought i imagined seeing that drop because it was so rare and tiny the first day)

4. Your LO is so cozy in your arms that she sleeps right when she successfully latches after a lot of effort and how can i forget, the cutie pie is so fragile that I was  so terrified to hold her and get her to latch with the fear of hurting her.

5. Then the process of waking her up, getting her to latch and do this the entire feeding session. For the first time, i realized what it means by "Time Flies"

6. Crazy hormones - I was shivering for a couple of hours and was drenched in sweat for a few more hours.

I even felt that i was being so clumsy handling my dearest one and my boobs. And my mom who had forgotten that milk does not come in until 3rd of 4th day kept saying that there isn't any milk coming for the baby, what is the point of she sucking.

All this led to my low confidence levels. I cried in pain, in hurt, in desperation and in frustration.

Lactation consultants were reassuring but my confidence levels were still low.

On day 4 when i was getting ready to come home, I was terribly scared to leave the hospital because I still wasn't confident.

I wanted to be close to and rely on the empathetic professionals and wasn't looking forward to bringing my baby home. I know, weird, right? But that is exactly how I felt.

Also, i noticed that my boobs became so hard (didn't know it was called engorgement) and i was in a lot of pain. The mere act of lifting them and getting her to latch was extremely painful.

Wish someone had told me, this was quite normal and a good sign and it meant milk is starting to come. I wish someone told me taking ibuprofen will help with the engorgement and I wish someone had told me that baby was unable to latch because of engorgement and not because she could not.

That day, after coming home, she slept through the day and when we tried to wake her up, she could not latch because of my engorged boobs.

I had the breast-pump ordered and delivered while i was in the hospital but i was reluctant to express and bottle feed her with the fear that it will lead to nipple confusion and would result in the baby never being able to latch on to me again. I cried and cried, but finally agreed to pump as my husband put some sense into my not-capable-of-self-reasoning-at-that-time head.

While pumping, i started reading Ina May's breastfeeding guide - I had glanced through it once before but did not pay much attention and there she suggested to take ibuprofen to help with engorgement and it worked wonders. But my darling was still very sleepy and refused to latch onto me but she was so happy to get some food from the bottle. Obviously, she was quite hungry but too sleepy and tired to latch i guess. I could express 30 ml from each breast and she finished it in 5 minutes.

Before offering bottle, i continued to get her to latch, but it did not work out. I was pumping and giving her milk but i was so depressed and scared that i would never be able to hold her and breastfeed her. I cried and cried and would snap at anyone and everyone. All this while, my dearest one was losing weight and that freaked me out. I was feeling guilty, helpless, incapable.

Then, my husband called the lactation consultant and we visited her at the hospital. My darling latched onto me with no issues at all in her presence. I was so very happy and was in tears. But once we went home, she refused to latch again. This on and off latching went on for a week but for every feed, i used to offer her the breast first and then the bottle.

At one point, we lamost decided to give her formula beause i did not have pumped milk and dd was not waking up enough to latch onto me (She would take bottle in her sleep but not latch). When my husband went out to get the formula, I stood in the middle of the room and asked my mom to help me wake her up. My mom held the little ones head and held it there until she latched. I did not move an inch for 30 minutes while dd was drinking with the fear that she would unlatch and won’t be able to latch again. And yes, i’m glad i did that and I would do it all over again. So, the formula my husband rushed to get is still there unopened.

The latching issues persisted for about 3-4 weeks after birth, but i made sure i offered breast first and only if she resisted it, did i offer the bottle.

Since she lost a lot of weight and wasn't gaining as desired, i was asked to supplement her with expressed milk for every feed. This continued for a month and finally the doc said i didn’t have to supplement anymore.

She developed yeast infection in week 5 and cried and spitted a lot one whole night. When we looked closely at the tongue, she had two black dots and we immediately rushed her to the hospital. Poor thing wanted to be on my breast all that night. I didn't know why, but then doctor mentioned that breast-milk soothes the burning sensation that comes with yeast infection.

It took 2 days for the dots on tongue to disappear after we used medication. This medicine needed to be put on tongue and my nipples and aerola 4 times a day for 14 days. Yeast infection is persistent and transmits between mother and baby, hence the extra care.

After 5 weeks though, she started settling on the breast pretty well.

Around week 7, she was again being fussy but I was told by the lactation consultants that it was pretty common for babies of that age to fuss.

Things started to get better around 8 week mark. But around week 10 or so, severe throbbing pain started in my left breast. I thought it was yeast infection. Then it started in right breast. The pain was unbearable after every feed. It was better while she was nursing, but worst right after the feed for about 2 hours and then it used to settle down but then, it was time for the next feed.  The pain started at the nipple, spread to aerola and to the back and all these parts pained for an hour or so after every feed. The pain used to worsen when i put my hands in cold water or when i felt cold because of winter weather. This continued for a week and i reached out to friends, but they could not say for sure what it was. I was too tired to talk to a doctor, but 10 days later, it was unbearable and i was literally in tears.

Started pumping, but didn't help much. I was determined to exclusively breastfeed her for 6 months, so i kept telling myself that this problem will go away. When it became terrible, i took an appointment with LC. They tested and confirmed that it was not yeast infection, but it could be the way she was latching on to me. Probably true because she was not opening her mouth wide and was playing with the nipple. So, i made sure she opened her mouth wide and changed the nursing postures often. Finally, the pain subsided after a week of consulting with the LC.

My happiness knew no bounds when the pain finally disappeared.

Since then, it has been one happy ride with a few downs once a while, such as, at the end of 3rd month, she would pull off the breast every 10 sec and latch again and continued this for the entire feed and for almost every feed. This did not cause a lot of pain though. I was just patient and tried to calm her by rubbing her hair, singing to her which helped her settle at my breast.

There were more positive and happy feeding sessions than the painful ones.

Her mannerisms priceless to watch while she nursed:

- I would try to pull her hand and kiss it, she would resist for a minute, but then would give after a couple of attempts and let me kiss her hands

- She would flap her hand when she was hungry while I was still trying to lift my shirt up. It was such a cute thing to watch her do that.

- She would be all-business during some feeding sessions , i.e., focus only on drinking and nothing else. It was a delight to watch her gobble up the milk.

- She would make great expressions looking around at things: surprise look, amused look, ah, i wish i could just remember and capture all her expressions.

- She would start cooing and continue with it throughout the feed. There is that wide smile on my face amused by her cooing.

- I used to be amazed by how fast she would drink, how greedily she would drink, how slow she would drink, how lazily she would drink and how she would get up halfway sometimes and then again look for my breast.

Apart from the fact that, I could witness her emotional and physical development so closely, after a couple of months, once the feeding settled down, I felt very peaceful and calm and sometimes even quite sleepy during the feeding sessions.

It is a feeling best experienced than described. Nursing sessions are one of the best times I have with my daughter. In spite of no one telling me how great breastfeeding felt, I'm extremely happy for being so determined to exclusively breastfeed her for at least 6 months. It has been 5.5 months now and breastfeeding experience easily is in the top 5 best experiences of my life.

I do give her bottle once a week or so when i step put for yoga or go meet with friends.

But i enjoy nursing her anywhere and everywhere

- in the car

- in a restaurant

- in the flight

- on the beach under the bright Florida Sun.

- on the beach under the Full Moon

- at friends' place

- in a party hall

- in a busy mall

- well, one day, on the floor in carter's shop

- Under a tree, beside a cool lake

I'm not embarrassed even a tiny bit to nurse her anywhere and anytime. Breastfeeding is the most beautiful thing to do and I feel blessed to have been able to do that (I know some women have been unfortunate in this matter) and there is nothing embarrassing about it.

I would say my darling daughter has a right on my breasts and she owns them until whenever she wants and I would offer my breasts to her anytime and anywhere!

Now that you know how i feel about breastfeeding, some other not-so-important factors for me that justify while i prefer breastfeeding over bottle-feeding

- It is hygienic

No hassle of sterilizing bottles, not worrying about contaminating the bottle nipples,  no worry of spoiled milk, no worry of over-heating the milk.

No worry about storing practices (plastic bottle vs glass bottle)

- It involves zero-planning. She and I need to be together and yes, I would love to take her with me everywhere and would like her to be part of my life, if not all the time, at least most of the time

- Zero investment aka it is free

- And the most logical reasoning - 
Timing and right temperature: Breast-milk composition varies throughout the day and for every month. Basically, my body and baby's is so much intertwined that we both determine what is best for her and at what time. I would like to interfere with it as little as possible.