Time travel in mind

 “Memory, you realized long ago, is a game that a healthy-brained person can play all the time, and the game of memory is won or lost on one criterion: Do you leave the formation of memories to happenstance, or do you decide to remember?”

-- Gabrielle Zevin

Yearning to reach back to a specific memory. But what is a memory - the blend of smell, touch, sight, sounds, words and feelings? How can you possibly remember what you had felt so many years ago? You willed yourself to remember or is it happenstance because you were lost in the moment with all of you your senses absorbing the moment and absorbed in the moment?

If I can't decide to remember, do I get to decide to reach back to the memory at will or does that happen involuntarily too? And isn't that travelling back in time because in my mind I can recreate every piece of that memory? All my senses are transposed back to that precise spot but alas with a ache in my heart for not being able to relive it. And it is that aching that gives the memory more life and it is that aching that gives me the will to live a life full of such memories.

The power of being held

 Pain is inevitable in life. Sometimes, it is all consuming: every fiber of your body and soul is held by it's merciless grip. The most powerful aspect of pain is: it has a vivid memory and it gathers strength from the incidents in the past and becomes an unstoppable force in the present. So, can this force ever be conquered and tamed?

"Do not try to push it away as it only makes it come back stronger", someone wise said. Ooh, I've tested this theory quite a handful of times and this statement couldn't be truer is what I've realized in the most painful way.

"Observe it, sit with it and let it flow through you", they said. I should say it is a very sound piece of advice because it is effective and is the most practical given our individualistic lifestyle. Oh yes, tested this theory and I see myself well-qualified to certify it. Aren't most of us?

These pieces of advice, although very effective, are also very adultish and zen-like. How do you help the tiny human beings, little humans, not-so-little-not-so-big teens to deal with such gut-wrenching pain? Do you agree that losing their dearest stuffed animal causes such insurmountable pain in the little ones? The first time or the nth time little kids saying to each other in times of conflict "We'll never be friends again" causes that kind of pain? And the growing pains that teenagers go through are never-ending.

So, while lying in bed today and writhing is one such pain episode (the reasons for it are immaterial) and before I became all zen-like, (Give me a break! I'm not a monk yet) the memories from the past came flooding and are making the pain insurmountable. The first-aid my heart or mind needed right at the moment is BEING HELD. What struck as odd is that all the memories that are still causing me so much pain even though they are so far away in the past are those of the times when I wasn't held. 

Call me silly but I wanted to test this hypothesis and revisited all those memories from the farthest time and more or less, I was right on the money.

You see, just like pain, touch has an impregnable memory - both the good kind and the bad kind. Then this revelation dawned upon me that we must hold our little ones more, especially when they are in pain (caused by anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration). This is such an important note to self - not dole out advice, words of wisdom, self-soothing techniques. Yes, all these are valuable tools, but the first-aid all these non-adults need is BEING HELD - be it an embrace, be it holding their hand, be it a rub on their back. Why even adults need it as much even though I understand it is not practical unfortunately.

So, let us all hold each other more! It might be for a fleeting moment, but the feeling will be etched in the memory and help us navigate through those unavoidable painful lonely times.

Oh, if you are still curious about how this current pain episode of mine ended. Yes, I did the adult thing and did not push the pain away and I sat with it and more importantly, wrote this piece so I'll remember to help myself and to hold my little one and even the adults more!

What would I be?

What would I be if I wasn't a mother ?

which is the role I identify with the most

This question really shook me off the ground so much so that it had me revisit my blog after a 8-year long hiatus.

Am I hiding behind the comfort that my purpose is to love my off-spring, keep her safe, cherish her and immerse myself in the process that brings me a lot of joy so that I don't have to face the bitter truth about who I am if I'm no one to anyone ?

I have this urge suddenly to find the truth of what would I be and what would I do if I'm stripped down to the bare minimum. The question doesn't stop at:  What would I be if I wasn't a mother, What would I be if I wasn't a lover, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend? What would I do if I didn't have to be any of these ?

What about this world, this existence, the humanity resonates with me?

Don't get me wrong, it is not that I've never thought on similar lines. I did wonder about what job I would do if I didn't need to be paid for it, i.e., if i didn't need to depend on a steady income to sustain my lifestyle.

What is my side hustle that I would do day in and day out that gives me pure joy despite the outcome?

How would I spend my day? Thrive and not just survive? Not hide behind the excuses of running a household, caring for a child, caring for self.

I'm and I have limited myself: is it because of the social conditioning that living has to be done a certain way at a certain age and god forbid it gets disrupted, read divorce, the same story must be re-written with different characters ? No, in my case, I'm my own prisoner because I'm someone who never adhered myself to the social norms or felt the pressure of social standards?

The bitter truth is I've never known what truly bring me joy: Yes, I've seen glimpses of it when I practice yoga and when my body and mind get immersed in the practice, tears rolled down. I felt wholesome. Then why did I not pursue yoga practice and always approached it as a survival tool ?

I've seen it when I get lost in the woods either hiking or running and absorbing the nature both big and small around me. Then why did I never solo travel and quench my thirst for exploring more nature trails ?

I've experienced it when I held the tiny human beings whose needs were simple to be fed and cared for? Then why didn't I pursue lactation care or midwifery?

I catch myself being grateful for being able to doing one of the most gratifying jobs .ie., caring for a tiny human being and a biological one at that. And in of those moments, the revelation dawned upon me that what happens when she leaves the nest, what would have happened if i didn't have this purpose in life, what would I be doing then ?

Spend time with a lover, friends, pursue something to feel busy so that I don't have the bandwidth to actually face the bitter truth that I honestly don't know what I would do?

My take on Breast Feeding

Breastfeeding -

I have never put so much thought into this until I was well into pregnancy. My familiarity with this subject starts and ends with movies where this process was shown as an endearing one.

During my third trimester, just-turned-mom friends poured their insight on this, shared their mostly scary, not so pleasant experiences with me. This is when I learned about the not so endearing side of this process.

I have always been a health freak and I like to keep my eating habits as close to nature as possible. So, needless to say that all I cared about breastfeeding was - I need to exclusively breastfeed my little one.

That is it - this is what i firmly decided but I hadn't exactly researched this topic. I was obsessed with giving a natural childbirth because it is how nature designed us to give birth to babies. That is simple enough reason for me to be decisive about having no intrusions during the birthing process. I have done a lot of research - read a lot of material, success stories, and complex stories, talked to professionals, observed closely the practices of efficient midwives. During this process, the next thing that caught my attention was how important and natural it is to breastfeed your baby rather than bottle-feed or giving formula to the new born.

So, my first goal was to experience natural childbirth and my next goal was to breastfeed my newborn. Though I was not well prepared and heard unpleasant stories of breastfeeding from friends, , since I was determined about it, I thought I would be able to do it.

As soon as i was out of operation room (Well, i could not meet my first goal, i did not even come close to it as i had emergency c-section), the first thing i asked the nurse was i wanted to feed my baby because all the material i read insisted that doing this will be a good foundation for the breastfeeding process both for me and my little one.

I was thrilled when my darling daughter latched onto my breast as soon as she was placed on me. My happiness knew no bounds and this was as a result of my logical brain telling me that my second goal would certainly be met.

When the nurse asked me after transferring me to the resting room, what my goal was - i said "establish breastfeeding". She said "how about being able to manage your pain?". I said "yea, may be, but that is secondary".

Then started the real journey for me.

I was told in the breastfeeding class that we need to nurse every 2-3 hours. The time-lines didn't register with me. But while lying on the hospital bed in lot of pain, the real sense of the time-lines hit me.

Every 2 hours came by in less than 2 hours. Well, you know what i mean. The reason being:

1. You are in lot of pain, so trying to sit up to feed the baby hurts

2. Your boobs start to hurt and they hurt even more when you try to see if there is any milk coming.

3. It hurts more to see that hardly anything comes out and may be a drop of colostrum (I almost thought i imagined seeing that drop because it was so rare and tiny the first day)

4. Your LO is so cozy in your arms that she sleeps right when she successfully latches after a lot of effort and how can i forget, the cutie pie is so fragile that I was  so terrified to hold her and get her to latch with the fear of hurting her.

5. Then the process of waking her up, getting her to latch and do this the entire feeding session. For the first time, i realized what it means by "Time Flies"

6. Crazy hormones - I was shivering for a couple of hours and was drenched in sweat for a few more hours.

I even felt that i was being so clumsy handling my dearest one and my boobs. And my mom who had forgotten that milk does not come in until 3rd of 4th day kept saying that there isn't any milk coming for the baby, what is the point of she sucking.

All this led to my low confidence levels. I cried in pain, in hurt, in desperation and in frustration.

Lactation consultants were reassuring but my confidence levels were still low.

On day 4 when i was getting ready to come home, I was terribly scared to leave the hospital because I still wasn't confident.

I wanted to be close to and rely on the empathetic professionals and wasn't looking forward to bringing my baby home. I know, weird, right? But that is exactly how I felt.

Also, i noticed that my boobs became so hard (didn't know it was called engorgement) and i was in a lot of pain. The mere act of lifting them and getting her to latch was extremely painful.

Wish someone had told me, this was quite normal and a good sign and it meant milk is starting to come. I wish someone told me taking ibuprofen will help with the engorgement and I wish someone had told me that baby was unable to latch because of engorgement and not because she could not.

That day, after coming home, she slept through the day and when we tried to wake her up, she could not latch because of my engorged boobs.

I had the breast-pump ordered and delivered while i was in the hospital but i was reluctant to express and bottle feed her with the fear that it will lead to nipple confusion and would result in the baby never being able to latch on to me again. I cried and cried, but finally agreed to pump as my husband put some sense into my not-capable-of-self-reasoning-at-that-time head.

While pumping, i started reading Ina May's breastfeeding guide - I had glanced through it once before but did not pay much attention and there she suggested to take ibuprofen to help with engorgement and it worked wonders. But my darling was still very sleepy and refused to latch onto me but she was so happy to get some food from the bottle. Obviously, she was quite hungry but too sleepy and tired to latch i guess. I could express 30 ml from each breast and she finished it in 5 minutes.

Before offering bottle, i continued to get her to latch, but it did not work out. I was pumping and giving her milk but i was so depressed and scared that i would never be able to hold her and breastfeed her. I cried and cried and would snap at anyone and everyone. All this while, my dearest one was losing weight and that freaked me out. I was feeling guilty, helpless, incapable.

Then, my husband called the lactation consultant and we visited her at the hospital. My darling latched onto me with no issues at all in her presence. I was so very happy and was in tears. But once we went home, she refused to latch again. This on and off latching went on for a week but for every feed, i used to offer her the breast first and then the bottle.

At one point, we lamost decided to give her formula beause i did not have pumped milk and dd was not waking up enough to latch onto me (She would take bottle in her sleep but not latch). When my husband went out to get the formula, I stood in the middle of the room and asked my mom to help me wake her up. My mom held the little ones head and held it there until she latched. I did not move an inch for 30 minutes while dd was drinking with the fear that she would unlatch and won’t be able to latch again. And yes, i’m glad i did that and I would do it all over again. So, the formula my husband rushed to get is still there unopened.

The latching issues persisted for about 3-4 weeks after birth, but i made sure i offered breast first and only if she resisted it, did i offer the bottle.

Since she lost a lot of weight and wasn't gaining as desired, i was asked to supplement her with expressed milk for every feed. This continued for a month and finally the doc said i didn’t have to supplement anymore.

She developed yeast infection in week 5 and cried and spitted a lot one whole night. When we looked closely at the tongue, she had two black dots and we immediately rushed her to the hospital. Poor thing wanted to be on my breast all that night. I didn't know why, but then doctor mentioned that breast-milk soothes the burning sensation that comes with yeast infection.

It took 2 days for the dots on tongue to disappear after we used medication. This medicine needed to be put on tongue and my nipples and aerola 4 times a day for 14 days. Yeast infection is persistent and transmits between mother and baby, hence the extra care.

After 5 weeks though, she started settling on the breast pretty well.

Around week 7, she was again being fussy but I was told by the lactation consultants that it was pretty common for babies of that age to fuss.

Things started to get better around 8 week mark. But around week 10 or so, severe throbbing pain started in my left breast. I thought it was yeast infection. Then it started in right breast. The pain was unbearable after every feed. It was better while she was nursing, but worst right after the feed for about 2 hours and then it used to settle down but then, it was time for the next feed.  The pain started at the nipple, spread to aerola and to the back and all these parts pained for an hour or so after every feed. The pain used to worsen when i put my hands in cold water or when i felt cold because of winter weather. This continued for a week and i reached out to friends, but they could not say for sure what it was. I was too tired to talk to a doctor, but 10 days later, it was unbearable and i was literally in tears.

Started pumping, but didn't help much. I was determined to exclusively breastfeed her for 6 months, so i kept telling myself that this problem will go away. When it became terrible, i took an appointment with LC. They tested and confirmed that it was not yeast infection, but it could be the way she was latching on to me. Probably true because she was not opening her mouth wide and was playing with the nipple. So, i made sure she opened her mouth wide and changed the nursing postures often. Finally, the pain subsided after a week of consulting with the LC.

My happiness knew no bounds when the pain finally disappeared.

Since then, it has been one happy ride with a few downs once a while, such as, at the end of 3rd month, she would pull off the breast every 10 sec and latch again and continued this for the entire feed and for almost every feed. This did not cause a lot of pain though. I was just patient and tried to calm her by rubbing her hair, singing to her which helped her settle at my breast.

There were more positive and happy feeding sessions than the painful ones.

Her mannerisms priceless to watch while she nursed:

- I would try to pull her hand and kiss it, she would resist for a minute, but then would give after a couple of attempts and let me kiss her hands

- She would flap her hand when she was hungry while I was still trying to lift my shirt up. It was such a cute thing to watch her do that.

- She would be all-business during some feeding sessions , i.e., focus only on drinking and nothing else. It was a delight to watch her gobble up the milk.

- She would make great expressions looking around at things: surprise look, amused look, ah, i wish i could just remember and capture all her expressions.

- She would start cooing and continue with it throughout the feed. There is that wide smile on my face amused by her cooing.

- I used to be amazed by how fast she would drink, how greedily she would drink, how slow she would drink, how lazily she would drink and how she would get up halfway sometimes and then again look for my breast.

Apart from the fact that, I could witness her emotional and physical development so closely, after a couple of months, once the feeding settled down, I felt very peaceful and calm and sometimes even quite sleepy during the feeding sessions.

It is a feeling best experienced than described. Nursing sessions are one of the best times I have with my daughter. In spite of no one telling me how great breastfeeding felt, I'm extremely happy for being so determined to exclusively breastfeed her for at least 6 months. It has been 5.5 months now and breastfeeding experience easily is in the top 5 best experiences of my life.

I do give her bottle once a week or so when i step put for yoga or go meet with friends.

But i enjoy nursing her anywhere and everywhere

- in the car

- in a restaurant

- in the flight

- on the beach under the bright Florida Sun.

- on the beach under the Full Moon

- at friends' place

- in a party hall

- in a busy mall

- well, one day, on the floor in carter's shop

- Under a tree, beside a cool lake

I'm not embarrassed even a tiny bit to nurse her anywhere and anytime. Breastfeeding is the most beautiful thing to do and I feel blessed to have been able to do that (I know some women have been unfortunate in this matter) and there is nothing embarrassing about it.

I would say my darling daughter has a right on my breasts and she owns them until whenever she wants and I would offer my breasts to her anytime and anywhere!

Now that you know how i feel about breastfeeding, some other not-so-important factors for me that justify while i prefer breastfeeding over bottle-feeding

- It is hygienic

No hassle of sterilizing bottles, not worrying about contaminating the bottle nipples,  no worry of spoiled milk, no worry of over-heating the milk.

No worry about storing practices (plastic bottle vs glass bottle)

- It involves zero-planning. She and I need to be together and yes, I would love to take her with me everywhere and would like her to be part of my life, if not all the time, at least most of the time

- Zero investment aka it is free

- And the most logical reasoning - 
Timing and right temperature: Breast-milk composition varies throughout the day and for every month. Basically, my body and baby's is so much intertwined that we both determine what is best for her and at what time. I would like to interfere with it as little as possible.

What could be this feeling?

Is it an impulsive feeling that a child gets when she sees her parents;
an impulse to embrace

Is it a sudden rush caused by infatuation of an adolescent towards the one she admires;
a rush to jump into his arms and to hang on to his shoulders

Is it a feeling of calmness one experiences around a soulmate;
an urge to rest her head on his shoulder and get in touch with her innermost self.

Is it a feeling of liberation she experiences while with him;
a sense of freedom to be herself and not worried about being judged

Is it just her  body that instantly connects with his and drawn to his as if they have known each other through eternity;
an ease with which her fingers interlace with his

Why does she care so much less about the society that she is okay with the PDA which has never been the case earlier ?
a natural feeling to mess around with him in broad daylight and when surrounded by inquisitive people

I guess, i can only guess, that it is a culmination of all these feelings what she calls as ADORATION;
for she will never know the truth ! 

Wedding vows

Running in the morning dew

Sailing on the sea so blue

Cycling in the monsoon rain

Hiking the Himalayan mountain

Camping under the blanket of stars

And traveling the world full of wonders

It ain't fun doing all these alone

So the whole universe conspired to bring the both of us together

Here we are, ready to begin the most wonderful ride of our lives on a tandem!

Cyclothon

Cyclothon on Oct 11th, Sunday.....my first sports event after quite a long time...so long that i vaguely remember the last time i had run (I was an athlete in school days! Well, you could call me so, as i did participate (God knows about winning) in sprints, long jump, high jump, skating, kho-kho...the list goes on....

So, by now, you all must have understood how much of a sports freak i am and how excited i would have been about the Cyclothon event.

What added to my excitement was the book i read "Its not about the Bike" by Lance Armstrong a couple of weeks back.

Don't know how many people would like it, but it has become a great source of inspiration for me :-)

After reading the book, needless to say how much i was looking forward to the event. Of course, i didn't want to go untrained.

I had gone on a long ride, about 50km, sometime back and didn't struggle to finish the ride, except towards the end.

However, i wasn't quite happy about my timing.

So, while reading the book, I made a note of lot of tips like how to speed on the bike, how to save up the energy till the end of the ride, etc.

And i started riding to work regularly, had gone on a few 25 km rides, timed my ride each time, ate right, joined the Bangalore Bikers' Club group, read a lot about biking, and bloody hell, dreamed about the cyclothon !!!

It didn't end there, i wanted to feel like a professional. So, decided to get myself basic cycling gear like a hydration bag, gloves (i already had a helmet). I had to run all over Bangalore as there was shortage of this gear on account of the event.

Proud of Bangaloreans, they get very serious about events like this !

Two days before the event, i went slow on my training, slept well and still continued to dream about biking.

Finally, on the D-day, packed my hydration bag with getorade + electrol, carried, gloves, helmet, the paper with bib no. that needed to be pinned to my t-shirt, all set to bike smart on the NICE Road. I had gone on motorbike rides on that road and loved the experience. So, i was all charged up to ride on my man-machine bike.

I started off  from my place to catch the bus at 6 AM to reach the venue of the event,  BIEC.

We reached the venue at 7 AM sharp and the first sight was amazing. It was something i had never witnessed until then.

The folks of the Elite Race for Men (65 km on NICE Road) kick started the event and zoomed in front of us.

In a short while, they were followed by a bunch of ladies who were taking part in Elite Race for Women (35 km).

As i watched them zooming on their bikes, i felt the adrenaline rush in my veins and could not help smiling to myself, thinking that i would someday, very soon, be part of such bike races.

Cycling around the area, I was impatiently waiting for the Amateur Ride to start (36 km) at 9 AM

The whole environment was exuberant and i was thrilled to see thousands of people there, bubbling with energy.

What a great way to start a Sunday morning !!!

There we go, at 9 AM sharp, we were asked to assemble at the start point of the race and were being left in small groups. I looked around to see how many females were there. The ratio was was way too small, but as usual, it didn't bother me. I kept looking at my watch to make sure i time my ride and at 9:14 sharp, i started off.

Did i mention earlier that i feel liberated while cycling. I get very focussed, it is more like meditating for me; its just me, my bike and the road ahead of me! (Ofcourse, I'm cautious of my surroundings as i do enjoy riding in traffic :D)

There was a hike right at the beginning of the ride and i felt good as it helped me warm up and set my breathing pace for the rest of the ride.

I was born like that. Like what ? I usually tend to compete with the opposite gender especially in outdoors.

So, when i was riding past a few guys, i was feeling good and when i didn't see any females nearby, i was getting high :-)

Amazing roads, awesome cloudy weather, lot of energy around and in my legs, what else does a biker need to zoom !

It seemed too perfect a day to be true !!!

After a couple of min, i realized i was struggling to ride on a flat road. I looked at my handle bar, hell, i was in 4th gear and was struggling! I know myself too much to admit that i was panting hard and trying to ride faster.

Then i noticed couple of  girls overtaking me. I was keeping my cool and telling myself, may be, they are better trained.

Then, i noticed people overtaking me and looking back at me. That is when i heard, the sound i hated the most, the tak-tak sound of my rear tyre. My heart sank and very reluctantly, i pulled towards the left of the road and got off my bike.

My worst fears came true and hit me hard: My bike's rear tyre had a puncture !!!

I looked around, i was at the 5 km turn point. I looked at my watch, it was 9:30, 15 min since i started the ride.

I was told at the time of registration that technicians will be roaming in the cars to fix any mishaps with the bikes.

So, i calmed down and hoped to see the technician realizing in front of me and handing over the bike to me in its previous state in 15 min worst case.

Nothing happened for the first ten min.

There were couple of folks there, whom i contacted and they mentioned that no technicians available.

I couldn't hear anything else. I saw my dreams crashing in front of me. Is it sounding funny and dramatic to you guys ?

I know it seems childish, but I have to confess, i did feel a heavy heart and my eyes were welled up. Hard luck!

I really love my bike (Its a FIREFOX TEMPEST, which i borrowed from my friend).

It took me on long rides, off roads, speed rides and never complained. The more i rode, the fonder i grew of it.

So, didn't feel like cursing it, nor myself. It just sheer hard luck. I did curse the organisers though as they did promise about technicians but did not provide any. I sat there staring into the greenery around and thinking how did i take everything so much for granted. Not that i did not anticipate such mishaps, but was disappointed that it had to happen that very day :(

How much ever i tried to remain calm, my emotions overpowered me and i needed to talk to someone.

So, i rang a few buddies in Hyderabad who can relate to my passion for biking. Talking to them did lighten my mood.

Thanks to them !!!

A couple of folks joined me with the similar issue, their bikes gave in and all three of us connected instantly as we started cursing the organisers. After good three hours of waiting in the hot sun (weather changed sharing its mood with mine), we decided to walk back our cycles to the start point. Some riders were riding past us, panting and gasping for breath and checking if we had water.

It was already 12:30 PM and police cabs came by us and requested us to clear the road soon to allow the traffic.

Understanding that we were in a helpless state, they arranged a pick up for us and the bikes.

Overall, i have mixed feelings about my first cyclothon event!

However, the experience is really worth it :-)