The power of being held

 Pain is inevitable in life. Sometimes, it is all consuming: every fiber of your body and soul is held by it's merciless grip. The most powerful aspect of pain is: it has a vivid memory and it gathers strength from the incidents in the past and becomes an unstoppable force in the present. So, can this force ever be conquered and tamed?

"Do not try to push it away as it only makes it come back stronger", someone wise said. Ooh, I've tested this theory quite a handful of times and this statement couldn't be truer is what I've realized in the most painful way.

"Observe it, sit with it and let it flow through you", they said. I should say it is a very sound piece of advice because it is effective and is the most practical given our individualistic lifestyle. Oh yes, tested this theory and I see myself well-qualified to certify it. Aren't most of us?

These pieces of advice, although very effective, are also very adultish and zen-like. How do you help the tiny human beings, little humans, not-so-little-not-so-big teens to deal with such gut-wrenching pain? Do you agree that losing their dearest stuffed animal causes such insurmountable pain in the little ones? The first time or the nth time little kids saying to each other in times of conflict "We'll never be friends again" causes that kind of pain? And the growing pains that teenagers go through are never-ending.

So, while lying in bed today and writhing is one such pain episode (the reasons for it are immaterial) and before I became all zen-like, (Give me a break! I'm not a monk yet) the memories from the past came flooding and are making the pain insurmountable. The first-aid my heart or mind needed right at the moment is BEING HELD. What struck as odd is that all the memories that are still causing me so much pain even though they are so far away in the past are those of the times when I wasn't held. 

Call me silly but I wanted to test this hypothesis and revisited all those memories from the farthest time and more or less, I was right on the money.

You see, just like pain, touch has an impregnable memory - both the good kind and the bad kind. Then this revelation dawned upon me that we must hold our little ones more, especially when they are in pain (caused by anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration). This is such an important note to self - not dole out advice, words of wisdom, self-soothing techniques. Yes, all these are valuable tools, but the first-aid all these non-adults need is BEING HELD - be it an embrace, be it holding their hand, be it a rub on their back. Why even adults need it as much even though I understand it is not practical unfortunately.

So, let us all hold each other more! It might be for a fleeting moment, but the feeling will be etched in the memory and help us navigate through those unavoidable painful lonely times.

Oh, if you are still curious about how this current pain episode of mine ended. Yes, I did the adult thing and did not push the pain away and I sat with it and more importantly, wrote this piece so I'll remember to help myself and to hold my little one and even the adults more!

What would I be?

What would I be if I wasn't a mother ?

which is the role I identify with the most

This question really shook me off the ground so much so that it had me revisit my blog after a 8-year long hiatus.

Am I hiding behind the comfort that my purpose is to love my off-spring, keep her safe, cherish her and immerse myself in the process that brings me a lot of joy so that I don't have to face the bitter truth about who I am if I'm no one to anyone ?

I have this urge suddenly to find the truth of what would I be and what would I do if I'm stripped down to the bare minimum. The question doesn't stop at:  What would I be if I wasn't a mother, What would I be if I wasn't a lover, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend? What would I do if I didn't have to be any of these ?

What about this world, this existence, the humanity resonates with me?

Don't get me wrong, it is not that I've never thought on similar lines. I did wonder about what job I would do if I didn't need to be paid for it, i.e., if i didn't need to depend on a steady income to sustain my lifestyle.

What is my side hustle that I would do day in and day out that gives me pure joy despite the outcome?

How would I spend my day? Thrive and not just survive? Not hide behind the excuses of running a household, caring for a child, caring for self.

I'm and I have limited myself: is it because of the social conditioning that living has to be done a certain way at a certain age and god forbid it gets disrupted, read divorce, the same story must be re-written with different characters ? No, in my case, I'm my own prisoner because I'm someone who never adhered myself to the social norms or felt the pressure of social standards?

The bitter truth is I've never known what truly bring me joy: Yes, I've seen glimpses of it when I practice yoga and when my body and mind get immersed in the practice, tears rolled down. I felt wholesome. Then why did I not pursue yoga practice and always approached it as a survival tool ?

I've seen it when I get lost in the woods either hiking or running and absorbing the nature both big and small around me. Then why did I never solo travel and quench my thirst for exploring more nature trails ?

I've experienced it when I held the tiny human beings whose needs were simple to be fed and cared for? Then why didn't I pursue lactation care or midwifery?

I catch myself being grateful for being able to doing one of the most gratifying jobs .ie., caring for a tiny human being and a biological one at that. And in of those moments, the revelation dawned upon me that what happens when she leaves the nest, what would have happened if i didn't have this purpose in life, what would I be doing then ?

Spend time with a lover, friends, pursue something to feel busy so that I don't have the bandwidth to actually face the bitter truth that I honestly don't know what I would do?