What would I be?

What would I be if I wasn't a mother ?

which is the role I identify with the most

This question really shook me off the ground so much so that it had me revisit my blog after a 8-year long hiatus.

Am I hiding behind the comfort that my purpose is to love my off-spring, keep her safe, cherish her and immerse myself in the process that brings me a lot of joy so that I don't have to face the bitter truth about who I am if I'm no one to anyone ?

I have this urge suddenly to find the truth of what would I be and what would I do if I'm stripped down to the bare minimum. The question doesn't stop at:  What would I be if I wasn't a mother, What would I be if I wasn't a lover, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend? What would I do if I didn't have to be any of these ?

What about this world, this existence, the humanity resonates with me?

Don't get me wrong, it is not that I've never thought on similar lines. I did wonder about what job I would do if I didn't need to be paid for it, i.e., if i didn't need to depend on a steady income to sustain my lifestyle.

What is my side hustle that I would do day in and day out that gives me pure joy despite the outcome?

How would I spend my day? Thrive and not just survive? Not hide behind the excuses of running a household, caring for a child, caring for self.

I'm and I have limited myself: is it because of the social conditioning that living has to be done a certain way at a certain age and god forbid it gets disrupted, read divorce, the same story must be re-written with different characters ? No, in my case, I'm my own prisoner because I'm someone who never adhered myself to the social norms or felt the pressure of social standards?

The bitter truth is I've never known what truly bring me joy: Yes, I've seen glimpses of it when I practice yoga and when my body and mind get immersed in the practice, tears rolled down. I felt wholesome. Then why did I not pursue yoga practice and always approached it as a survival tool ?

I've seen it when I get lost in the woods either hiking or running and absorbing the nature both big and small around me. Then why did I never solo travel and quench my thirst for exploring more nature trails ?

I've experienced it when I held the tiny human beings whose needs were simple to be fed and cared for? Then why didn't I pursue lactation care or midwifery?

I catch myself being grateful for being able to doing one of the most gratifying jobs .ie., caring for a tiny human being and a biological one at that. And in of those moments, the revelation dawned upon me that what happens when she leaves the nest, what would have happened if i didn't have this purpose in life, what would I be doing then ?

Spend time with a lover, friends, pursue something to feel busy so that I don't have the bandwidth to actually face the bitter truth that I honestly don't know what I would do?